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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943632">Netflix Presents, Fukunaga Shouhei: Abominations, Everywhere I Turn</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatwrites/pseuds/kitkatwrites'>kitkatwrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Culinary School Mentions, Gen, Kenma is mentioned a lot, comedy show, whether or not this is actually funny is up for debate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:41:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatwrites/pseuds/kitkatwrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Anyways, because I played volleyball in high school, I happen to know many professional athletes, which is very scary because it means I’m constantly surrounded by these buff giants, except I’m still somehow the person going up to the cashier and telling them that ‘he asked for no pickles’ because being perceived as scary and being scared of others are not mutually exclusive.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Netflix Presents, Fukunaga Shouhei: Abominations, Everywhere I Turn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I tried to channel John Mulaney while writing this but I feel like I channeled Richie Tozier instead. I am so sorry. The IT fandom still haunts me to this day, as shown by the fact that I’m writing another goddamn Netflix Presents fic.</p><p>This one’s for the Fukunaga stans.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together for Fukunaga Shouhei!” The crowd cheers as a tallish man with short dark hair walks onto the stage, slightly hunched over. He waves to the crowd, walking to the front of the stage and grabbing the mic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” he says nonchalantly, “it’s good to be here. For those of you who came here not knowing who you were going to see and didn’t actually start listening until now, my name is Fukunaga Shouhei, I’ll be your server for—wait, wrong career. Sorry guys!” He yells into the crowd.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My head’s a bit jumbled tonight, let me just,” he tilts his head to the side as he knocks the side of it. A 100 yen coin falls out of his ear and he grabs it, holding it up to the audience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow! Magic!” He congratulates himself. “Only time you’ll see it tonight, so if you missed it, too bad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Umm,” he shoves the coin in his pocket and scratches his head, “so, we’re in Tokyo!” The crowd cheers, as if to say, “yes! We </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>in Tokyo!” and Fukunaga cheers along with them. “For those of you who don’t know, I am actually a Tokyo native. That’s right! This handsome man you see before you wearing clothes I bought at a thrift store and shoes I’ve owned since high school is a city boy, born and raised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Another </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun fact </span>
  </em>
  <span>about me,” he says, making jazz hands, “is that I played sports in high school! Volleyball, to be precise. Has anyone else here played volleyball on a team? P.E. doesn’t count, you fucking losers,” he swears as a decent amount of the crowd cheers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Fukunaga yells into the mic. “You know how I know those people are telling the truth? Because the people behind them can’t see me right now. Crouch down, you giant assholes!” He yells into the crowd.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, because I played volleyball in high school, I happen to know many professional athletes, which is very scary because it means I’m constantly surrounded by these buff giants, except I’m still somehow the person going up to the cashier and telling them that ‘he asked for no pickles’ because being perceived as scary and being scared of others are not mutually exclusive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now, this knowledge of pro athletes in high school is a heavy burden to bear, because I’m constantly asked questions like, ‘Fukunaga! What were these players like in high school! Were they really cool and suave? What kind of girls did they date in high school? What’s their type? Do you think I have a chance?’” Fukunaga stares into the audience and brings the mic up close to his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I say no for a lot of reasons, I’ll let you figure them out yourselves. One question I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>answer, though, is that pro athletes are not, and have never been, suave. I have seen Bokuto Koutarou snort salt on a dare and Daishou Suguru cuss out my team captain in front of his girlfriend. These guys are weird as </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and you can quote me on that. Go on, take a screenshot of this when it’s on Netflix and write the quote on it in fancy cursive and post it on your Tumblr, I’ll wait.” Fukunaga stands there for a couple of seconds, tapping his toes and staring at his nails.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, we’re good now. Switching topics entirely, for those of you who don’t know, I have a little side job as a chef, which means I’m very into nutrition and force feeding my friend salads. I have a friend, many of you may know him as Kodzuken; yes, the gamer Kodzuken. People find it really weird when I tell them, ‘hey! I’m friends with a world renowned gamer and CEO of his own company!’ Like what the fuck have I done with my life in the same span of time that my friend has become a millionaire?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gone to culinary school, dropped out of culinary school, gone into debt because of culinary school,” he counts on his fingers. “Can’t forget disappointing my parents by becoming a comedian. Can I get some cheers from those of you who have disappointed your parents?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Copious amounts of cheers and whoops fill the hall and Fukunaga chuckles into the mic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright! That’s a lot of you, sorry about that. I’d do something about it but I’m a comedian who, again, dropped out of culinary school, which basically means that I’m broke as shit. Anyways, we’re getting sidetracked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I have this gamer friend who’s also a millionaire. Kodzuken. And I have me. A comedian who dropped out of culinary school who’s also into nutrition. So I’ll visit him sometimes, and I’ll ask, ‘hey, Kodzuken. When was the last time you ate?’ And he’ll look at me like I just told him that I sold all of his games and donated the money to Parents Against Games, or some shit like that. Like I’m such a shit person for wondering about his wellbeing, can you imagine that? It’d be like if you texted a friend saying ‘hey! You said you were going on vacation to Barcelona for a week but that was four months ago, are you okay?’ And they responed with ‘mind your fucking business!’ It’s rude! It’s so fucking rude!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I was feeling dejected that my millionaire gamer friend was just rude to me, but I asked him again. ‘Hey, Kodzuken, I know you just did a 12-hour stream and I’m kinda worried cause you didn’t eat at all during the stream and you’re the skinniest person I know because you’re physically incapable of putting on muscle and fat, so when was the last time you ate?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And do you want to know what he told me? Do you want to fucking know?!” Fukunaga yells into the mic. “This little shit looked me in the eyes and said, I shit you not, ‘I ate an entire apple pie a couple hours before you got here’. ‘So, like a pie the size of your palm?’ ‘No. It was at least the size of my face.’ I’m sorry, you fucking WHAT? How’d you fit that fucking thing in your stomach? I’m going to call up Guinness from the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Guinness Book of World Records</span>
  </em>
  <span> because holy shit that must be some kind of record for fitting so much sugar into one tiny body. It was amazing, but also incredibly concerning!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am constantly concerned for my friends, I am! Almost none of them can take care of themselves, it’s awful. Actually, one of the biggest things that I’m concerned about is their hair. Yes, you heard me right. After Kodzuken crushed my ego and love for my friends, I got rid of the nutritionist shtick. I’m a hair consultant, now. Most of my friends have the most </span>
  <em>
    <span>atrocious </span>
  </em>
  <span>hair I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing. My friend, oh my god you guys. It’s so bad. If your nickname is </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rooster Hair</span>
  </em>
  <span>, then maybe you should consider a style change. He just, I can’t even find the words to describe it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fukunaga puts his head in his left hand and straightens out his arm holding the mic, keeping it as far away from his body as possible. After a moment, he shrieks at the top of his lungs before shutting up completely after a few seconds and returning to normal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry guys, just had to get that out of my system for a second. So my friend, Kuroo…” he trails off, staring into the distance with a distraught look on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay okay I can do this,” he says, pacing the stage. “So. Kuroo. His hair. Uhh, it’s fucking hideous, you guys, like I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like, purposeful bedhead? Some people even describe it as a comb. I went to my various friends and asked around for how they felt about his hair and how they’d describe it, because I don’t have the mental strength to stare at his hair long enough to describe it for people who have never seen it before. I’d like to list off a few of my friend’s descriptions, if that’s okay with you all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulls out a piece of paper from his back pocket and begins reading. “An abomination; disgusting; spiky; rooster-like; can you please tell him to shave it off I’m literally begging you I have to look at that thing every goddamn day and it makes me want to cry; weird; my bro’s hair is pretty cool, I don’t know why everyone’s so upset about it. Ah,” he looks up at the crowd, stuffing the paper back in his back pocket, “ignore that last one, it was said by Bokuto Koutarou.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, moving on from Kuroo because I don’t want to talk about his nasty hair anymore. We’re going back to Kodzuken because I’m milking this bitch for all he’s worth, which is a lot of fucking money. For those of you who know him now, his hair isn’t so bad. It’s shoulder-length and dark with bleached tips, actually kind of decent. Think again, bitch.” Fukunaga begins pacing the stage, staring down the crowd.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I knew this bitch in high school, when he first dyed his hair. He didn’t chicken out and just dye the ends, oh no, he died his </span>
  <em>
    <span>entire fucking head. Bleach blond</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He goes back to standing in the middle of the stage, and looks out into the audience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It actually wasn’t so bad, at first. But then his roots grew out. For some people, bleach blond with dark roots looks pretty decent. Kodzuken is not ‘some people’. He is, ‘I didn’t want this to happen but there’s nothing I can really do about it so I’m just going to suffer until the problem goes away’. In high school, Kodzuken was often called ‘pudding head’. Got the image of his hair in your mind now? Yeah. It was pretty bad. But!” Fukunaga grabs the mic stand. “But! His hair wasn’t even that bad, considering some other people that I know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This one’s for the volleyball nerds. Does anyone here know Yamamoto Taketora?” He shouts into the mic, pointing at different people in the crowd. A couple cheers can be heard. “Yes! Thank you! If you’ve seen his hair now, it’s not that bad. He’s got this weird mohawk bump and his sides are shaved. Some of you may consider that weird, and I respect that. Sadly, it’s been worse. In high school, yes, I knew a lot of people in high school; in high school the weird mohawk was bleach blond. I just,” he sighs, putting his head back in his hands. “You’d think that people would know better than to bleach their hair, and yet here we are. In high school all I saw were abominations, everywhere I turned. The only bleach I was ready to mess with was eye bleach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Moving on from hair because you can’t eat it, at least not yet, let’s talk about food. I’m around food pretty much all the time, as most people tend to be. As I mentioned before, I actually attended culinary school for a short period of time. Now when I showed up to culinary school, I thought it would be like Shokugeki no Souma where I was surrounded by scantily-clad women and battled it out against people I hated via food, but then it turned out that there was a dress code and I cried two times a day from stress for two weeks until I managed to cut it down to crying a couple times a week instead, which I think proves a very important point that anime is not reality!” Fukunaga lectures.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“While I was there, I actually developed this fun thing called insomnia, I don’t know if any of you have heard of it before. I struggled with it for a bit, and one day I actually got a text from one of my neighbors that read ‘I know you have insomnia but can you PLEASE stop playing Barbie Girl at four in the morning, it’s Insomnia, not WEnsomnia’. Around that point I was already considering dropping out, so I did! Thank you, rude neighbor with shit taste in music! It was a very liberating experience, until my parents found out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I tried to lie to them at first, which really should have told them right away that I was a comedian, because we are very prone to lying, as most of you probably knew already. For those of you who didn’t know, I’m sorry to tell you but whatever story you thought was hysterical from that one comedian you like is fake. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will say though, swinging back to Shokugeki no Souma, I talked to my friends from culinary school and they were like ‘yeah probably half the class dropped out’ so maybe there is some truth in anime, which is that school fucking sucks.” Fukunaga chuckles into the mic as he walks around the stage. “Yes, it really does suck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Umm, one thing that I’ve started noticing, is that a lot of my friends are gay. I don’t mean like, oh yeah one or two of them is gay. I mean like, at least half. It’s ridiculous. I asked some other people, if they had nearly as much gay friends as I did, and they all said ‘no’. So, because of that,” Fukunaga rubs his chin and stares at his shoes, before looking up at the audience. “Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a gay magnet. So the fact that all of you are gathered here today is very telling. Everyone watching this live now, or watching at home or wherever, you’re gay now. Every single one of you.” He points out certain people in the audience and nods, as if to say, “yes, you too” before looking towards the top box.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you and goodnight, Tokyo!” Fukunaga yells in the mic with a wave, “I can finally pay for culinary school!” He bows quickly before waving and making his way off stage, as ending music begins to play.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading whatever the hell I just wrote, I had fun with it and I hope it made you laugh? Unless it was really fucking boring, in which case don’t say anything because I <i>will</i> cry.</p><p>Shout at me on <a href="https://twitter.com/gr1lledcheesy">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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